JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who romped her way through 2025 with a secret lover but now regrets cheating on her unsuspecting husband
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We bonked while hubby toiled
I’m the worst person in the world. I’m dirty, untrustworthy and a cheat. Back in February I went on a four-day training course through work. On the first night I met a man in the hotel bar. We flirted and talked dirty and then went back to his room for wild sex. We drank and bonked and ripped the place apart.
I didn’t spend a single night in my own room. We parted on the last day promising to meet up again, which we did throughout 2025. I told him that I was married, and he said he didn’t care. Over the spring and summer, I lied through my teeth to my husband and family about where I was going and what I was doing. Back in August, my lover and I spent three nights in a Cornwall hotel eating each other alive. I told my husband I was on a school reunion…
The fact is that I got away with my affair but now feel shabby and wretched. I should be relieved that my ex-lover has moved abroad and that my husband has absolutely no idea that I’m a filthy lying lush.
My closest mates (who know everything) say I must not tell my husband the truth, that it would destroy his world. They insist I should let sleeping dogs lie. Is that right?
That’s easy for them to say, but I’m the one who is full of anxiety and can’t sleep for guilt and self-loathing.
The fact is that I was physically and emotionally absent for most of the year. My poor husband has been having a terrible time at work, and I wasn’t there for him. I’m deeply ashamed. How can I start the New Year with this weight on my shoulders?
JANE SAYS: You cannot allow your friends to influence you.
You are married to your husband. You are the one who cheated on him throughout 2025 and the ownership of your actions begins and ends with you.
Personally, I think your husband deserves the courtesy of a grown-up conversation, confession, and apology, so that he can make up his own mind regarding the kind of person you are and the future of your marriage.
He’s a grown up; I’m in no doubt that your confession will hurt him but what’s the alternative? What if someone else – out of spite or jealousy – were to get in first and tell your story instead of you? What if things don’t work out for your lover in his new place and he comes back and decides to speak up and cause trouble? You have no way of knowing what might be going through his head if he genuinely cared for you or finds himself out of work or out of pocket. Ultimately, your husband needs to understand why you cheated – and for such a long time – in the first place. What triggered you to have such a risky affair? What in your marriage needs fixing? Your husband needs to be assured that you’re now fully committed to your marriage and will never pull another stunt like this again. Are you committed to this marriage?
I suggest you now embark on some deep thinking and soul searching.
Clear off
I told to my best friend that I’m moving into her village – and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I love where she lives it’s friendly, buzzy and near a station. My long-term relationship broke up last summer and I’m finally free to settle wherever I like. I thought she’d be pleased to have me around. I thought it would be a nice surprise. I’ve found a perfect, reasonably priced property to rent. I’m an independent person and want nothing from her. How dare she take this attitude when she doesn’t own the neighbourhood? Her sister has suggested I find somewhere else, but why should I?
JANE SAYS: You need to make it clear to your friend that you have no desire to cramp her style or live in her pocket. Can you call a truce to discuss this matter face-to-face in a neutral location? You need to reassure her that you hate the idea of falling out because you value your friendship.
I suspect she has her routines and her neighbours and resents the idea of your encroaching on her space. The other possibility is that she has personal problems (within her relationship, work or finances) that she deliberately keeps from you and doesn’t wish you to know about. Are you inclined to give her space and think again? Is her village your only option?
I refuse to fake it
I used to love sex, but an early menopause has left me with a flagging libido. Wild sex used to be our thing but now my husband is puzzled and disappointed when I push him away in bed. But how can I fake desire when I frequently feel unattractive, dry, and boiling hot? Using a vaginal lubricant would feel like cheating while, sex toys have never been my thing. I’m not even masturbating anymore because my body feels alien to me. Help.
JANE SAYS: There are no rules and if popping open a tube of lubricant will help counter vaginal dryness, then there’s no shame in that. Set the scene by lowering the temperature of your bedroom and join your husband in kissing, massaging, and touching. You and he need to reconnect so that sex becomes a joy again. Talk to him about what you’re going through. Accept that this is a challenging new phase, but it doesn’t herald the end of your sex life or relationship – you’re just getting going.
Make time for sex just as you did when you first got together. Speak to your GP if you feel you’d benefit from support. Don’t suffer in silence. Also read up on HRT on nhs.uk
Green eyed monster
My cousin has texted to say that she won’t visit me again because my house is too posh and it makes her feel inadequate. She can’t stomach my new kitchen, sofas and big telly. How can she be so small minded? I’ve don’t have children but wouldn’t dream of shunning her home because I’m jealous of her daughter.
JANE SAYS: Talk to your cousin again and tell her how much she’s hurt and insulted you. How does she propose to carry on your relationship? Over the phone? It will be a very lob-sided arrangement if you only visit her place. She clearly resents your (material) good fortune without having the emotional intelligence to realise that you by no means ‘have it all’. Ask her to look at the whole picture and think again.
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