What a year it’s been for Donald Trump as his first back in the White House since 2021…whether he’s trying to buy Greenland or just tanning himself silly, he’s never been far from the headlines
Donald Trump has had quite the first year back in the White House. The 79-year-old is playing ‘being President’ on fast-forward mode, manically box-ticking on a How To Make People Notice Me checklist.
Whether he’s rolling out the red carpet for kleptocratic dictators or telling two other superpowers they “don’t know what they’re f******* doing”, he’s had his *perfectly sized* fingers in more pies than Nigella Lawson since he got back into office on January 20.
The Orange Manbaby is zooming ahead with foreign and domestic policy so quickly, it’s almost like he’s reading and believing all those “health scare” articles we’ve all been publishing about him for the last 12 months. Slow down – those marks on your hands might be benign, Donny boy!
Or maybe it’s just that his predecessor – Sleepy Joe Biden – carried out daily tasks like he was sleepwalking, so Trump looks fast by comparison? Anyway, he’s got through a lot hasn’t he, our old Cheeto Benito.
Here are just some of his wildest moments this year, as he assaulted our planetary globe like a pissed up NBA-player trying to fondle a basketball.
Greenland
Trump hadn’t even got into office when he started banging on about making Greenland part of the US. Our Tangerine Toddler started off 2025 by saying ownership of the Arctic island was an “absolute necessity”, kindly offering to “make Greenland great again”.
When it became clear Trump couldn’t just buy the island – like he has everything else – he went quiet. Until earlier this month, when Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry as a special envoy to the country with the goal, as Landry put it, “to make Greenland a part of the US.”
Bullying Zelenskyy
In February Trump invited Ukrainian Volodymyr Zelenskyy to the revamped, vagazzled White House.
Instead of providing support to the man whose country was under siege by Russia, Trump and JD Vance berated and insulted Zelenskyy. The US pair sat back like school bullies, and insisted he’d been insufficiently grateful for American support for Ukraine.
It’s one of the most uncomfortable presidential moments ever broadcast and ensured the war barrelled on.
Tariff Day
Trump’s tariff day was a desperate clearing of the throat by the Leader of the Free World. This was a deranged substitute teacher showing an unruly class who’s boss by publicly setting fire to a pupil’s hair. “Notice ME!”
April 2 – Trump pranced out into the Rose Garden, armed with an A3 sheet and a random list of countries he was set to impose trade tariffs on.
It quickly became clear the poster board shtick wasn’t a masterplan, but rather a list born from ChatGPT. For example, 10% tariffs were announced on the Heard and McDonald Islands, where there are no humans.
Good luck squeezing anything out those notoriously stingy seals and penguins, pal.
‘Israel and Iran…’
In the summer we saw an angry side of Trump. For months our Carrot Caligula had attempted to play the role of peacenik, pleading with Israel and Iran to “quit bombing each other” after air strikes broke out.
When missiles were launched from both countries days after Trump “helped” broker a ceasefire in June, it set something alight in the President. Turning to reporters like they were vending machines that had run out of Diet Cokes, he unleashed a tirade.
Trump said he was “not happy” with Israel and Iran, adding he was “really unhappy” with Israel, before the now-infamous: “They don’t know what the f*** they’re doing.”
Musk bromance ends in tears
For a man with such a miniscule friends-list, it was probably quite sad for Trump to lose his big-time buddy Elon.
The two fell out spectacularly over a disagreement about Trump’s spending bill in June. Due to the presence of the two brittlest egos in the Western world, the tensions escalated fast – soon the Toxic Twins had resorted to jibes on social media.
It all culminated with this tweet from Musk: “Time to drop the really big bomb: Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”
Red carpet for Putin
In August, Vladimir Putin landed in Alaska and was given superstar treatment. In what was NOT A METAPHOR for Trump’s tongue desires, a red carpet was rolled out and caressed Putin’s feet as he strolled towards the Orange Manbaby.
The two embraced in a scene which would not have looked out of place had it been underscored by Serge Gainsbourg’s sex anthem Je T’aime – Moi Non Plus.
Strange way to treat an alleged war criminal.
Some honourable mentions:
- When JD Vance visited the Pope and the latter died the next day. Later that week Trump posted an AI picture of himself as the pope.
- Trump deploying the National Guard to LA after a peaceful protest.
- Trump renaming Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, withdrawing from the Paris Climate accords and pulling out of the World Health Organisation…all in his first fortnight as President.
- Banging on about Melania’s “well-folded” underwear.
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